Musings of an overworked brain

All these contemplations and thoughts evading my sleep and driving hours to and fro from work for the past few days is rather taxing. My mind doesn't stop replaying events and thoughts, juggling both sides of the coin, seeing from both perspectives, it's driving my mind to work overtime and with all the work I've been swamped with for the past 2 months, I really do think I deserve a rest from overtimes. I think I'll resort to typing it out and attempt to clear up my mind.

Work. I find myself lucky that I'm enjoying the work I do and still being able to learn more about running a business and how to understand things from a financial point of view. I am able to interact with both the managers and marketers on their side of things and how the business runs. It's not just the plain data entry and processing of invoices and payments that runs the day-to-day course of a company and as such, I'm really glad I choose this part of career when I was given the 2 options and job scopes during my interview. It is more stressful no doubt and requires a larger amount of brainwork and concentration, but it does mean that making mistakes and errors gets a lot of attention from many sides.

Committee. Being tasked with the responsibility of joining the 2 committees that organises the 2 major events for the company every year has been incredibly exhausting. It's a lot of additional work to juggle on top of my daily workload. I was basically left with no choice to decline either one, and with a comment from my head of department, that still rings in mind, I made up my mind to give it my very best shot and show the best of myself. To put in the extra time and effort and be a very involved member of both committees. It's not common for an employee to be part of both events, but it is neither not unheard of. My previous finance colleague also juggled both responsibility, so it make me more determine to pull through.

Now that I've finished with the both the events, my other half tells me he has issues that I've been neglecting him. I felt it was entirely unfair on me. I needed his support and I also did explain beforehand, that I'd be really tied down with work and being in the committees for at least 2 months or more. What of myself and my needs? Sometimes, all I needed was time for myself, alone time to destress and relax on the weekends before starting a new week. I was so close to breaking down when I had 4 things to juggle for almost 2 weeks non-stop, both the closing of accounts for the year, my normal financial support to the team, the annual dinner and convention. I barely had time to sit down and drink water, running all over for meetings. By the time I got home, it was almost always 8-ish every single night.

On top of which, I had tried to make time for dear mum to take her out shopping, before CNY  for around the corner and I would definitely run out of time to bring her around before the crowd starts their shopping. I brought her over the course of a few weeks to different places, trying out oufits and decorations for the house. It's something I want to do as a daughter, because it is something only I can do for her. I've also informed her I would be really tied with work so we will start out shopping staggered over weeks in advance because I can only make time for her then.

I thought you'd understand, you told me you did, but that is not what I now see. I have seconds thoughts. I never asked much, only someone to be on my side and support me. Not someone so willing to jet all over the world, alone with his friends when I explain I cannot afford to do the same. I don't even ask for you to pay for all my expenses, even when you clearly earn more then I do and have less responsibilities to bear. I never asked for a house or any material goods. I merely wish to earn my keep and save up enough to be able to contribute my share when it is needed. Out of my family of four, I am the only one working, I find it my responsibility to contribute a little more and to treat my family occasionally. I know they don't have much savings to rely upon and so I don't intend for them to spare me anything. What I want, I shall do my best to earn for it.

Not everything runs the way I'd like to, I have resentments at times too, but when I mull it over and think about it, it's really not that important, and should not be treated as such. At the end of the day, it's not a deal breaker issue for me, so I let it slide. There is so many more aspects that define our relationship. It hurts when trivial issues to me, apparently mean a great deal to you. I never felt so guilty and insignificant when so many things were brought up. For someone like me to have bring so much sadness to you, it is not right. I also judge you when you brought up, because I did this, you've also been doing this. I did it unintentionally, because I really did not realise it, but you did it out of malice, intentionally. This is cruel and I do not deserve that.

I think we need to take some time to sort this out. Perhaps, we're not as compatible as we thought.