because i need another outlet to share my own thoughts

'i think the hardest part of losing someone isn't saying goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that's left inside your heart when they go'

This year has been immensely taxing and emotionally draining. I cannot ever go through losing two of the most beautiful and inspirational women in my life ever again. I learn that tears can never dry not when the wounds are still so fresh in memory.

The shock of losing my mother over a span of less than 24 hours is something I can never forget. And the weeks and months leading up to it keeps on replaying, as I wonder if we or any one of us could have prevented it if we were more diligent, more alert, more well read.

In an odd sense of twist, some of the things we did together, feels like we fulfilled her requests. Because mum never does ask for much, so when she does, we try and I really hope we have done at least a good portion of things she wanted before she was taken away from us.

Wanting to wear more dresses during CNY while we were shopping for new clothes

Wanting to visit Pangkor and Cameron, both which we somewhat did go, which was something we did not planned out months, but did on the spur of moment.

Visiting both grandmothers on Labor's Day.

And I know, I know, dad will forever feel that he never took you on a nice holiday to Hong Kong, because he was aiming to plan for it at the end of this year.

Musings of an overworked brain

All these contemplations and thoughts evading my sleep and driving hours to and fro from work for the past few days is rather taxing. My mind doesn't stop replaying events and thoughts, juggling both sides of the coin, seeing from both perspectives, it's driving my mind to work overtime and with all the work I've been swamped with for the past 2 months, I really do think I deserve a rest from overtimes. I think I'll resort to typing it out and attempt to clear up my mind.

Work. I find myself lucky that I'm enjoying the work I do and still being able to learn more about running a business and how to understand things from a financial point of view. I am able to interact with both the managers and marketers on their side of things and how the business runs. It's not just the plain data entry and processing of invoices and payments that runs the day-to-day course of a company and as such, I'm really glad I choose this part of career when I was given the 2 options and job scopes during my interview. It is more stressful no doubt and requires a larger amount of brainwork and concentration, but it does mean that making mistakes and errors gets a lot of attention from many sides.

Committee. Being tasked with the responsibility of joining the 2 committees that organises the 2 major events for the company every year has been incredibly exhausting. It's a lot of additional work to juggle on top of my daily workload. I was basically left with no choice to decline either one, and with a comment from my head of department, that still rings in mind, I made up my mind to give it my very best shot and show the best of myself. To put in the extra time and effort and be a very involved member of both committees. It's not common for an employee to be part of both events, but it is neither not unheard of. My previous finance colleague also juggled both responsibility, so it make me more determine to pull through.

Now that I've finished with the both the events, my other half tells me he has issues that I've been neglecting him. I felt it was entirely unfair on me. I needed his support and I also did explain beforehand, that I'd be really tied down with work and being in the committees for at least 2 months or more. What of myself and my needs? Sometimes, all I needed was time for myself, alone time to destress and relax on the weekends before starting a new week. I was so close to breaking down when I had 4 things to juggle for almost 2 weeks non-stop, both the closing of accounts for the year, my normal financial support to the team, the annual dinner and convention. I barely had time to sit down and drink water, running all over for meetings. By the time I got home, it was almost always 8-ish every single night.

On top of which, I had tried to make time for dear mum to take her out shopping, before CNY  for around the corner and I would definitely run out of time to bring her around before the crowd starts their shopping. I brought her over the course of a few weeks to different places, trying out oufits and decorations for the house. It's something I want to do as a daughter, because it is something only I can do for her. I've also informed her I would be really tied with work so we will start out shopping staggered over weeks in advance because I can only make time for her then.

I thought you'd understand, you told me you did, but that is not what I now see. I have seconds thoughts. I never asked much, only someone to be on my side and support me. Not someone so willing to jet all over the world, alone with his friends when I explain I cannot afford to do the same. I don't even ask for you to pay for all my expenses, even when you clearly earn more then I do and have less responsibilities to bear. I never asked for a house or any material goods. I merely wish to earn my keep and save up enough to be able to contribute my share when it is needed. Out of my family of four, I am the only one working, I find it my responsibility to contribute a little more and to treat my family occasionally. I know they don't have much savings to rely upon and so I don't intend for them to spare me anything. What I want, I shall do my best to earn for it.

Not everything runs the way I'd like to, I have resentments at times too, but when I mull it over and think about it, it's really not that important, and should not be treated as such. At the end of the day, it's not a deal breaker issue for me, so I let it slide. There is so many more aspects that define our relationship. It hurts when trivial issues to me, apparently mean a great deal to you. I never felt so guilty and insignificant when so many things were brought up. For someone like me to have bring so much sadness to you, it is not right. I also judge you when you brought up, because I did this, you've also been doing this. I did it unintentionally, because I really did not realise it, but you did it out of malice, intentionally. This is cruel and I do not deserve that.

I think we need to take some time to sort this out. Perhaps, we're not as compatible as we thought.

26 is just another number. >3

Dear upcoming 26th, 

Happy 26th Birthday. Still doesn't feel that much grown up yet, but I'm definitely getting there soon.

I have so many things to be grateful for. A family who loves me, a boyfriend who pampers me, a job that I really enjoy and colleagues that I get along with. Life is awesome.

Sure, there is always room for improvement but I'm not lacking in anything of necessity. That is a blessing to me.

Next stop, to be more mature and sensible. Take on more responsibilities. Always, cherish the things you have, because it's right next to you.

Hopefully, the new year will bring along more opportunities to boost my career. That'd be nice.

Yours ever so truly,
Your 25th year old self.

There is South Korea and then some other

The sheep here.

The Mistress spent an incredible 10 days in South Korea with the bf and another 2 new friends of Ching. Plane hopping from Jeju to Gyeongju and KTX express train to Seoul. Such a fantastic experience.

Mistress thinks this trip has made her broke, but totally worth it. It's a beautiful country and really warm people. Oh, the food is awesome too!

She was worried about having to juggle different opinions and it's been rather smooth, with a few hiccups in between but nothing really minor, thank goodness.

Covered so many tourist spots, local cuisine, transportation (subway, express trains (KTX & ITX), ) taxi, bicycle, ferry, domestic flights and also a truly remarkable amount of walking, given her very much lack of exercise lifestyle. Made some new Korean friends who were really warm and friendly.

Mistress think it's rather sad, that she feels it's so much safer in a foreign country than back home. Her beloved country has truly fallen behind so many progressive countries.

It's also amusing that Mistress feels she's beginning to understand more about someone's personality. It sometimes bugs her that he's so keen on being sooooooo accurate in describing details and monies and time or experience. Sometimes, things that small a scale has no significant impact. Seriously. Or that he's so eager in explaining things that he's read somewhere. Or volunteering beyond his limits.

She say about half an hour and gets corrected precisely 23 minutes. orz. really now. Can that 7 minutes be such a big deal. Mistress thinks it'll test her limited patience in the long run, given, she does have a short temper.

But since this is short term, Mistress is proud she tried to keep it under radar and did try to cover his overeagerness in volunteering. Really, howlar does he want to juggle the map and the monies and all that spending? She has about given up, especially when he volunteered to carry her bag on top of his own 4 other luggage. orz.

But everyone has both sides to them, and Mistress thinks she definitely has lot of bad ones as well. Despite all that, Mistress felt very safe and taken care off the whole trip. She wonders if she will still experience the same feelings 50 years down the road. When one sees an old couple holding hands to cross the streets, it brings a sort of warmth and love to your heart.

Mistress feels that being loved unconditionally is an incredible thing. 

10 months and still counting

Sometimes when I feel like reflecting back on the past, I drop by this little hidey hole of mine to reread old blog posts and old sms messages. It brings back all the memories, both good and bad., which is also why she has yet to set the auto delete on her phone.

I still cry whenever I read the things I wrote about Sera. I can't explain why, it's been 10 months ever since, and my tears have yet to dry up. My heart restricts itself, my eyes swell up and the memories floods back.

Dearest Sera, I still very much miss you.