It's the feeling that you don't fit in the group no matter how hard you try. The gap is too big. And having different wavelength doesn't help the slightest bit.
To start off, I've always been one who find it tedious in making new friends. I'm not a very social person who will be the one to start a conversation, although I do that at times. But it's usually through my friends that I meet more friends. Yea.
However, if we share similar interests, I'll be able to rattle crappy nonsense at an amazing speed =P But usually, I would only be able to open up once I'm comfortable talking with you.
Back in school, I was really lucky to met a wonderful group of friends who share the same wavelength as me. Needless to say, we could go on for hours. And later when I started college, I got to know more old schoolmates, the people whom you know by name and face but had hardly ever talked to. It was then when I began to discover more similar interests that we share. This was a group with I truly enjoy being with and allows me to be just me.
Because dear, I am talkative by heart. My family can testify to that. Yups. But not everyone who knows me know that.
During my foundation year, I tried to fit in with a great group of girls. But somehow the topics they enjoy just doesn't seem to be my type. They were nice enough to invite me along for outings and lunch, and although I got along well with them, something was still missing. They know it and so do I. The secrets they share with each other and the jokes which they get but I don't. The gossips, fashion, and beauty tips aren't my cup of tea.
I was still an outsider to the group. Hence when we moved on to being undergraduates, I barely met them for any outings. The closeness we once share just disappeared.
It was this time when I began to realise how fortunate I was to have met my high school friends. They were the group I can fall back and claim to truly be my friends. I really enjoy being with them, I look forward to every outing we have. I'm not sure what they think of me, but those are my thoughts about them.
Moving on to my undergraduate years, which lasts until now, I opened up and made other friends. These were the friends you can count on in helping you out. But we barely hang out other than in classes. Kinda like work buddies of the sort. We chatter and help each other out, but we never did really catch a movie together, only an occasional lunch, due to the different schedules we have.
Then in Organisational Behaviour, I got a class, consisting of a group of people whom most were very close to each other. This was a group who hangs out a lot, outings, dinners the sort. Now, after the semester has ended, I'm like a newcomer to the group. I just got to know more seniors who are part and parcel of the group.
But somehow the same hollow feeling returns. I don't think I'm able to converse well with them. They spoke mostly in mandarin, when mine is clearly non existent. When I'm invited along, I feel somewhat lost, and even when they do try to accommodate by speaking in a mixture of cantonese and english, it still seems slightly awkward.
I miss my group, but they have better things to do, so I avoid bugging them. You can NOT bug a person having exams, it's plain wrong. Plus some of my friends aren't here anyway, busy studying elsewhere. But mostly I miss talking to people of the same interests.
It's kinda envious, that while I'm here feeling aimless and unable to fit in, they're far away, learning how to be independent, meeting new people and enjoying their life. I'm still stuck here, and finding it hard to become a part of a group. You can't help but envision 5 years down the road.
They would be trekking around the globe and I'm still here
.....
Okay, let's skip that thought, It's depressing as it is >.>
No comments:
Post a Comment